Category: Growing Up

A few hours back we were at a grocery store…. I said “no” to Iras’ question “can we get a cold drink?”…. then she asked “why not?”.. so I said “you have a bad throat”…. a little later she came back holding a bottle of pepsi says “look what I found, this is a warm cold drink”… what can I say…. I mean could’ve told her that the sugar also aggravates her throat irritation but then look at that earnest face… I mean do you really think I could’ve explained sugar to this determined young imp???!!!

At the checkout counter the shopkeeper says “card machine has gone bad, there is no network, so please pay cash”…. I checked my wallet and began rearranging the purchases to fall within the amount I was carrying… so Ria asks “why can’t we pick cash from the ATM”, I say “coz we’ll get notes of 2K and he wont have change then” so she says “lets go and try in the ATM I’m sure you’ll get 500 rupee notes”… we go to the ATM, well more like I get dragged trashing and bawling, and get mint fresh 500 rupee notes so Ria says “see, I am always right” so I’m like “yes yes all of you girls are always right”…..

later in the car Iras’ observation “I am always right about things like cold drinks and dida is always right about money”

so past few days Ria was telling me there’s this bully at school who hits everyone and when people complain to the teacher he fake cries and says “they did it first” to wriggle out of punishment…. after a number of such incidents I had told her “fine next time he hits you hit him back real hard, make him puke”…. so today she comes back proudly and tells me “aaj zor se maara uske kaan par, gir gaya and rone laga phir chupp chaap baithaa din bhar”…. hmmm I’m scared now… behold the birth of “the Incredible Hulka”…. That’s a message I sent out to a bunch of cherished school friends of mine…. they came back with responses that more or less validated my approach…. and advised on giving her martial arts training as well….. here’s something that I felt adds to the discussion (kindof long…ish)

yeah martial arts is a good idea just that it’s like bandar ke haath mein ustaraa…. unmonitored they could end up doing major damage…. the way I see it a tough open mind, great physical conditioning and a no nonsense upbringing should ideally be sufficient… communication without gender overtures is very important in the formative years… when kids are taught gender differences (baba ke liye ben10 and baby ke liye barbie…. baba ka blue baby ka pink) at the initial stages itself it sets them up for a lifetime of being exploited or being the agressor… the very commonly used line “kya ladki ke jaise rota hai” is something that is so powerful in moulding the gender divide… we tend to believe these are traditional roles… well frankly screw tradition and religion if it teaches me to treat the female child differently… we are three brothers and as kids we had a lot of chores to do around the house which included in my case clearing and setting up the table for meals, shelling onions, grinding the masala (on the sil batta), working in the garden, pocha when the maid was awol and later cooking a meal and such like…. basically our mom did not believe in being a slave and certainly not in raising boys as a privileged lot…. maybe that’s where my keeda for gender equality took root…. I find it highly irritating when anyone tells me “girls are easier to bring up”…. I almost blurt out “#$#$%#@#$” and then check myself… children are as difficult or easy as you want it to be… gender has no role to play in their attitudes, warmth, attention deficit or aggression…. you do it to them with your own lousy belief that they need to be made aware of the differences from the get go… anyway digressing from the point…. guess bullies are on both sides of the gender divide and the best way to deal with any type of bully is to stand up to them…. involving the authorities (teacher in this case) is fine but then end of the day you need to figure out a weak point and hit them where it hurts… for some it’s physical pain for others maybe isolation and collective boycott because end of the day a bully is all about attention and fear…. take the fear out of the equation and you have a deflated balloon…. I guess one needs to tell the kid “don’t fear any bully report them to the teacher but if the teacher does not address the issue and if it gets out of hand don’t hold back… give it to them solid and sort it out there and then…. it might mean punishment from the teacher but in the long run the bully has been handled”…. of course to give it to them one needs to make sure that your own kid is well equipped to do the giving it to them…. which brings up back to jujitsu, taekwondo, muay thai, kick boxing, karate, judo etc….. yes and no… I again feel make them strong from the inside out… take them running/walking with your… make sure they do not learn to “hate” a particular vegetable or veggies in general (reminds me of this mom I gave a lift to once from school to home….. Ria kyaa khaa rahi hai? kaddu? baap re X to kabhi bhi kaddu nahin khaa saktaa!!! main bhi nahin…. had half a mind of saying haan tabhi X half the year hospital mein rehta hai but then I let it slide everyone is running their own battles why judge)…. give them basic strength training and then take it from there… boys as well as girls have the same strength if you treat them same… my girl runs 4K with me almost on a daily basis…. the little one does close to 2K already…. lots of boys can do that as well but then I guess the point is my girls can… that’s endurance/stamina/will/strength all rolled into one…. it will come into play at some time if required until then it’s just something we do to stay fit not in anticipation of violence… it prepares you for the long run…. as for bullies – stand up to them, look them in the eye and do not budge. More often than not bullies are over compensating for something by acting all strong/rich/over-patriotic/physical inadequacy …. maybe they have a dark secret they do not want out… when you stand up to them they recoil and do a rethink “do I run the risk of being exposed if I carry on?”…. stand up and give it right back in the same coin… they will back off almost immediately.

Sonali has started going to office from today. She had taken a 5 year break to focus on bringing up these two mutts. We had had a long discussion and taken that call in 2009. We again had that longish discussion start of 2014 and decided that beyond 5 years she would be practically unemployable and that would be the end of a superb career, something that would be really disgusting and wasteful. She is doing great as a partner in my freelancing jig but it’s not the best utilization of her core competence… besides I did not want history to repeat itself…. my own mother, a mechanical engineer and a career woman who actually had a better chance at being successful than my uber successful father, gave up her career when I came along. To date I hear the “I gave up my career so that you could succeed” jibe being thrown at the poor guy….. oh no no no no no no not going to give SG that ammunition in circa 2040…. besides it’s time we realized our full potential and discovered the diamond in us (Arindam Chaudhury aap sunn rahe ho)….. so anyway Sonali pinged Shriraj at Paladion Networks…. they said that they would always welcome her back if she chose to come back.. she met the core team at Paladion to discuss it further and was offered the job title “Head Products”… basically the ideator who would chart the route that the products division takes over time… pretty much the same level that she would’ve been at had she not taken the 5 year break (Paladion is a very simple, sorted out and spectacularly grounded success story…. the sort of company I would like to build some day once this transition phase has been suitably handled and the kids are ready for another change)….. So yeah SG has done her bit bringing up these two kids who are some of the most intelligent, strong, sharp, beautiful, considerate….. I could go on after all there’s a bit of me in there as well…. that I’ve ever known/read about…. and now they are at a stage where they are practically self sustaining…. well almost….  we do have some bit part to play in the sustaining bit for a few more days I guess…

So to prepare for the transition we had started doing a few things that would kind of condition the kids for mammas absence during the day time…. we started waking up at around 6:15 instead of lazing in around in bed till 9AM like a bunch of alligators… once up we would quickly clean up and go out for a walk. It gave us time to discuss and plan the day/days ahead (stuff like garbage bags, and milk cartons are going to be over we need to make a grocery trip OR we need to put in a request for reinvestment of this particular SIP as its not performing well consistently over the past two years etc. etc.)…. the bigger goal though was to set up a time when the girls were mildly exhausted, from the walk, and had also had some “hang” time with mamma…. it’s slowly turning into a habit I hope to move the time even further back to around 6:30 getting out of the house type early …lets see…. besides it gives me time at the start of the day to fit in a quick run which is great as I’ve been struggling to get the routine going for forever now….

The other thing she did was talk extensively to Kulsum, our maid from heaven (she’s been with us for 10 years now, touch-wood to that)….. they discussed what all will need to be done, how to manage the baby sitter who is relatively new…. meal plans (there’s actually a menu of the day that has been shared with me on google docs…. talk about wired lives)…. so anyway that was important as the kids are very comfortable with Kulsum and will take a bit of time to acclimatize to the new sitter (previously there were two other sitters who are sorely missed… the first one lasted 4 years and then got married and went away, the second one who overlapped for a bit lasted 2 years and then had a baby so went away…. after that a lot of riff raff passed through…. hoping this new kid is better and lasts for at least 4 years….)…. so anyway that was handled….

There was a bit of shopping involved for office worthy clothes, FabIndia made a neat little fortune off of us but that’s ok they deserve it…. (side note: if anyone is looking to gift me something in the near future, please consider the linen pants at FabIndia…. fawn or olive green or white or any combination there of will do… my waist size is 35″ at the moment and those pants cost around 1600 bucks…. the ones with a draw string…. ok end of advertising my own agenda ….moving on).  We also experimented with a dry run when mamma went off to Rajyams place for half the day and then made a trip to Hypercity for the second half… mammas car got a once over, tank up, new car freshner the works as she would be driving to work most days….

So basically we just went about preparing for this transition over the past couple of weeks. The trip to Jaipur was cut short, my school reunion is being skipped (first one in 22 years) and we did a lot of talking to the kids as well…. the most important thing of course was the talking the kids as contrary to popular belief children understand and they adapt better than adults.

Anyway to today morning we woke up and went out for the walk/swings. Ria was not really as excited as usual and wanted to skip the walk and go straight to the swings. I took her along with me while mamma handled Ira…. I gave her the legendary “Khan ka gyaan”…. told her “look kiddo when you feel uncomfortable about something that cannot be avoided the best way to handle it is to do it first and do it quickly so that it’s out of the way”…. gave her examples of how a bandaid should never be taken off slowly :)) or how if it starts hurting while you’re walking back home you should start walking faster (the pain wont go away but you’ll be home sooner)….. so anyway she completed the 2K walk and then SG took the girls to the swings while I finished my remaining 3K run….. back home Ira wanted to get bananas so SG and Ria went upstairs to make oats, get showered and get ready for the day….. Ira and I walked to the fruit store, got us bananas and walked back to our building found a  bench and finished the banana…. she spotted a cat… the distraction helped finish the fruit faster…. back at home the girls were ready…. I took Ira to give her a shower and told Ria to get Iras’ clothes… said buhbye to mamma as she was supposed to slink out while we were in the shower…. which she did.

By the time we were done drying off, powdering, putting on clothes Kulsum aunty rang the bell…. she took over the kids from me and boy were they happy…. turns out Kulsum had reported to work a full 1.5 hours early and is going ot do that for the next few weeks till schools reopen and the kids do not need to be taken over that early. So yeah there was breakfast and some art work and some playing which happened while I put in an hour of work….. then the sitter came in around 10:15…. kids were a little cranky as Kulsum moved to the kitchen to cook for the day and so I went and sat in the living room to give them someone to come and bash up for whatever was going through their heads…. Ira knew that mamma has gone to “ophish” and will be back in the evening. The sitter is a 16 year old kid and kind of clueless on how to get buy in of the kids…. so I gave her a bit of talking to explaining how kids can sense your inner joy when you interact with them and how these kids were the only reason she has been hired no other services are required of her…. she shook her head like all irreverent 16 year olds will do when being talked to condescendingly…. there has been a considerable amount of improvement though as the kids have been in their room and everyone including the sitter is in one piece so far…. lunch was ready at 11:30 so we had it at 11:30…. Preeti didi (the sitter) was unable to convince Ira to eat so I took a call and asked Kulsum aunty to feed the little one and Preeti to clean up in the kitchen in exchange…. that worked out pretty well…. after lunch the kids went back to their room playing with some blocks and chatting up Preeti didi…. I was actually able to get a 15 minute nap…. around 1PM when Kulsum and Preeti needed to have their lunch I read stories for the kids…. no crankiness all good…. smooth so far… Ria completed her writing as well (30 to 70 number names skip 2 and a page of story writing). They were hungry again at around 4PM so I asked Preeti to give them the bread pakodas that Kulsum had prepared for the evening snack….. the little one had half  Ria had a couple of them…. good again…. I made nimbu paani which again was well received…. so yeah smooth so far… They’re having a bath right now, Preeti is monitoring them (there was a small incident with camphor which made me order an out of turn bath and mouth rinse…. nothing huge).

So yeah day one going good so far. Looks like we’re going to be ok. Tomorrow the plan is to let them simmer a little more…. we’ll start fitting in a few activities from Wednesday onwards… activities that we usually do with mamma just so the girls get used to the idea a little more…. lets see the real stories would fly once mamma comes back from office around 6:45PM….